Coming to the End of Myself

To think of the Ryann I knew 10 months ago. 5 countries ago. 270 some odd days ago. Somehow I remember everything about her yet somehow she also feels like a stranger to me now. I remember she was empathetic, encouraging, kind, and silly. She was full of excitement and anticipation at what was to come. If you imagine fully knowing God like being able to drink the entire Pacific Ocean (impossible obvi), Ryann had barely sipped a single drop. 

I look into the mirror now and see the same dark brown eyes staring back at me. I see the same strands of wavy brown hair. I see the bright smile I’ve always known. I see the physical body of a person I recognize but inside there seems to be a new person. A person I am just beginning to meet. A person who has begun to experience the changes that take place when her Fathers love is poured out onto her. Her heart yearns for Jesus in a way she didn’t know was possible. She has grown. She has changed. She is still empathetic, encouraging, kind and of course silly. But now, she doesn’t pour out her love onto others using her own strength, which can and has quickly run out. Instead, she is filled with Holy Spirit who supplies her with an endless outpouring of love for others when she looks to him for her supply.

This new Ryann desires to invite her Father into everything she is doing. She seeks Him often in prayer. She reads her Father’s Word with a hunger in her belly and excitement in her eyes waiting to see what He will reveal to her today. She feels conviction in her heart when she lives and acts in ways that are not pleasing to her Father. She has come to understand that this life is not her own. It belongs to her Father. This Ryann yearns to do the will of her Dad. She is learning though that He wants to partner with her and do life with her. God is teaching her that he loves her more than she could ever imagine and that she can constantly dwell in his presence no matter where she is. But every so often, fear will begin to creep into this new Ryann’s mind. It comes very softly and almost unnoticeably at first. But then it will pick up speed and powder and infiltrate her mind like a tornado, ripping truth and peace from the ground.  

God, who am I? I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Was all of this worth it God? Leaving everything I have ever known and venturing out into the world with strangers? This change just seems to be too much. People are beginning to misunderstand me God. People I love and desire approval from. My wants and desires are shifting Father. God I know I prayed for your will to be done in my life and I prayed for my heart to align with yours Father, but this is all just too much. Where is the old Ryann? What happened to her? 

But then quickly the winds are stilled. The chaos is over and peace overtakes its place. The sky turns from gray to blue. What was destroyed by the tornado is sweetly restored and placed exactly as it should be. 

And the Lord says so tenderly,

Ryann, you are Mine. My precious daughter. My chosen one. I love you. Change seems scary and hard at first. Imagine a toddler learning how to walk. Unsteady, wobbly and unable to stand up by herself. That is you right now as you have undergone change. Leaving the crawling stage and entering into the walking stage. As your Father though, I will teach you how to walk. I will show you how to navigate this new road I am taking you down. I will hold your hand and guide your steps. I will catch you when you fall. Falling is inevitable as a child is learning how to walk. Learning to walk with Me is vital to our relationship. And I know you’re scared. I know you mourn what you are leaving behind. It is so difficult to say goodbye to old thoughts, desires and dreams. I sit with you in that sadness and confusion. Before a child knows the freedom and ease that comes with walking, crawling seems like too good of a thing to leave behind. Don’t settle for crawling with Me when I am calling you to walk with Me. The unsteadiness will fade. The fear will be exchanged for faith. You will walk confidently with Me. I will take you to new places and I will show you new things. You will see darling that crawling was just a step in this journey of life with Me. It was a necessary part, needed before walking can be introduced. But you child have mastered crawling. It is time for you to walk with Me now. Trust Me and take My hand into the places and plans I have set before you. You beautiful girl will be quite alright, just keep your eyes locked on Mine and your hand in My hand. 

HEY. HI and HELLO FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!!!!! You must be rubbing your eyes thinking “ain’t no way Ryann posted another blog???!!! She didn’t post for uhhh like 4 months and now she posted 2 blogs within 2 days???!!!” CRAZY, I know, right? Listen, I have never been a writer, okay. I don’t like journaling. It is something I have kind of kicked myself about because like you would think someone would have the motivation to write about these INSANE past 10 months, right? Yeah someone would have that motivation, but that someone isn’t ME lol. But okay hear me out, I am kind of in the process of processing A LOT right now. A lot of changes. A lot of decisions. A lot of life not looking like what I thought it would. Writing, weirdly enough, seems to be what is helping me the most. I feel like I can get my thoughts and emotions out all while hearing from the Lord and allowing Him to speak into my life. Who knew that getting your thoughts out onto pen and paper (or in my case your thoughts out onto a Google doc) would be so therapeutic and healing. I hope you enjoy this outpouring of my heart and get a glimpse into what coming to the end of my old self has looked like.

That’s all for now folks🙂

Love Always in All Ways 

Ryann